Writer/Comedy/Journalist/New York | Steve Heisler

John Teti and I talked about Six Feet Under for a while....

Fri, 25 May 2012 11:58:26 -0400

John Teti and I talked about Six Feet Under for a while. Don’t make a GRAVE mistake and not read it! GRAVE! I wrote GRAVE and put it in caps because…

[The A.V. Club]

Me: Let’s talk about Men at Work. I watched the pilot — Danny...

Thu, 24 May 2012 16:49:22 -0400

Me: Let’s talk about Men at Work. I watched the pilot —

Danny Masterson: Did you like it?

Me: Honestly, not really.

(My finest moment.)

[Vulture]

Here are some thoughts on Community’s triple-header finale...

Fri, 18 May 2012 16:48:01 -0400

Here are some thoughts on Community’s triple-header finale last night. And by “some” I mean a bajillion, because it’s hard not to get excited when an entire episode’s like watching someone play a video game.

[Vulture]

Finally, a chance to channel my tween angst into a VERY HIGHBROW...

Thu, 03 May 2012 11:16:29 -0400

Finally, a chance to channel my tween angst into a VERY HIGHBROW article about Super Mario World. Big Boo would be proud.

[The Gameological Society]

A note to the bar near my apartment advertising its "5" flat-screen TVs, with the "5" in quotes

Tue, 01 May 2012 18:10:00 -0400

So wait, are there five?

It’s four, right? It’s gotta be four. Three? No, four, for sure. Four normal TVs that happen to be flat-screened, and one of something that’s not technically a TV, but serves a similar function. Like an iPhone, or a Photo Hunt machine. Or maybe one of the TVs is next to a really big mirror.

The point is that I don’t think you meant five. Because if you meant five, you would have just said five. Unless you wanted to really emphasize the five in the phrase “five flat-screen TVs.” In which case, you didn’t do it right. Bold—that’s a great way to emphasize something. Or maybe italics. Underline. Strikethru. Superscript. An exclamation point. A question mark. An asterisk. A tilde. A series of dollar signs. A winky smiley face emoticon. An ampersand followed by a dollar sign. A clip art picture of the state of Texas. The letter ñ. Hit the shift or option key on your keyboard, followed by literally any other key, and you’d have found something slightly more accurate than quotation marks.

Because quotation marks make me think somebody at your bar said the word “five” in relation to the number of your flat-screen TVs, and you later chose to use that quote on your sign. Or maybe they said the word “five” in some other context. I mean, if they’d said the phrase “five flat-screen TVs,” you’d have put the whole thing in quotes, right? So I can only assume that “five” is a random quote from something completely unrelated. And if that’s the case, wouldn’t you think someone would eventually say “six”? “Seven”? “Seven million”? Perhaps you said the quote, in which case THE SKY’S THE LIMIT!

We are inundated with communication every day. Between emails, text messages, Twitter, Facebook and—if you asked the founders of LinkedIn—LinkedIn, the written word means so little these days because there’s just so damn much of it. Yet every single character we write is under the microscope now more than ever. The autocorrect function on your phone can mean the difference between texting your friend about how you “don’t give a duck” and texting your friend about how you “don’t give a duck fuck.” The second one’s what you meant! It happens to us all, and the best we can do to avoid such mistakes is take an extra three seconds to proofread.

In your case though, you should have taken five.

I made a karaoke version of the new (terrible) Chicago tourism...

Fri, 27 Apr 2012 12:04:33 -0400

I made a karaoke version of the new (terrible) Chicago tourism anthem. Won’t you listen/watch with your sense-holes?

[The A.V. Club Chicago]

Lo! My epic foray into the bowels of Megatouch (those bar games...

Wed, 18 Apr 2012 10:44:36 -0400

Lo! My epic foray into the bowels of Megatouch (those bar games people play on a big screen like Photo Hunt) has finally arrived at Gameological, after literally an entire year of waiting. Won’t you enter its URL with your body unit?

[The Gameological Society]

Because why the hell not?

Fri, 06 Apr 2012 15:43:26 -0400

Because why the hell not?

Eugene Levy and I talked about his kids using fake IDs....

Fri, 06 Apr 2012 11:37:53 -0400

Eugene Levy and I talked about his kids using fake IDs. Apparently, he’s all for it.

[Vulture]

Hello! I wrote about Lewis Black’s new comedy special...

Tue, 20 Mar 2012 17:50:29 -0400

Hello! I wrote about Lewis Black’s new comedy special because he’s a cheery and happy individual who for some reason uses “Go fuck yourself” as a punchline multiple times. WHERE’S THE ANGER FROM, BOY?

[The Spit Take]

The "truth" behind Adam Sandler, post-Oscars edition

Mon, 05 Mar 2012 11:02:00 -0500

Here’s the piece I wrote and read last weekend at The Paper Machete, Chicago’s premier live magazine series. It’s about Adam Sandler, so get ready to discuss THE GREATEST ACTOR ON THE PLANET.

These days, Adam Sandler looks like he constructed a scarecrow version of himself, then stuffed that version full of really sweaty money. I’m not just talking about his general Jew-y schlubiness. It’s just that he looks like he did when he was younger, only like he’s been touched by a lot of different hands.

And after this week, I can only assume that he looks like that because he has been out, living life, getting handled, in pursuit of the truth.

Because, do you remember the Oscars? LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL they were so bad. But the worst part was also the most perversely hilarious. The Oscars broadcasters decided to create a montage featuring Very Important Film People Talking About Very Important Things. Steve Carell wondered, “What makes a person laugh? What makes a person cry? What makes a person feel anything?” This was going to be a moment when the collective Oscars handjob started to feel like a hand-“when you love your job, it doesn’t feel like work.”

But the producers of the telecast had other plans. They ended on Adam Sandler, wearing a tracksuit that would make my nana jealous. And hear is his direct quote:

“I’m eventually trying to, one day, tell the truth. I don’t know if I’m ever going to get there, but I’m slowly letting pieces of myself out there and then maybe by the time I’m 85, I’ll look back and say, ‘All right, that about sums it up.’ Skibidii dooo deooo schlama lamamama spagooooo.”

That last part was implied.

The truth! Adam Sandler wants the truth, and he can handle the truth. But as it turns out, he can also handle receiving a record 11 Razzie nominations this year for his films Just Go With It, Jack & Jill, and Bucky Larson, which he produced. He now has more Razzies than Battlefield Earth; he is now worse than a movie made by Scientologist, who are the worst people on the planet.

So when I heard him say that truth thing, my first thought was that it was the most hilariously ironic moment of the entire Oscars telecast. Because Jack & Jill, his latest tear-jerker—and I’m talking about dick tears here—prominently features Adam Sandler playing both the identical twin Jack and Jill parts. So one’s just basically himself, and the other is the Mrs. Featherbottom version of him. And this rejected Tyler Perry movie plot earned Adam Sandler 140 million more dollars to shove into his scarecrow armpits and neck crevices.

Was the pursuit of money Adam Sandler’s truth? Or is he just a big crossdresser, and he’s coming out to the world in the slowest most expensive way possible? That seemed too easy and too cynical a take on the guy that—sure, his laurels are so well rested they’re borderline comatose. But Adam Sandler also appeared in Punch Drunk Love, Funny People, and the legitimately awesome Billy Madison and Happy Gilmore—seriously they really hold up—not to mention a bunch of seminal comedy albums that offered the world a legitimately funny take on old man balls. And I say this as a man who’s heard some pretty weak old man ball jokes in my day.

Like most normal/sexually active people, I didn’t see Jack & Jill when it came out on the ominous 11/11/11, and instead I spent the whole day playing Elder Scrolls: Skyrim. So in the interest of discovering Adam Sandler’s truth, I watched Jack & Jill.

And let me tell you the truth: Adam Sandler is a genius.

Before that though, think about every terrible joke you’d expect from the movie Jack & Jill. Fart jokes? There’s one during the opening credits. Racism? You bet—and it’s targeted at an Indian kid who’s adopted. Plenty of shabadoos? Jack and Jill have their own made-up language that they speak—which they do for at least five minutes during the movie’s climax. If you were on the fence about Adam Sandler, that fence is on fire now. With urine.

Except…okay, Jack & Jill is horrible and offensive, but it’s horrible and offensive in a fascinating way. In the movie, Jack is an LA-based high-powered advertising executive who has a twin sister named Jill in the Bronx who comes to visit. She’s just the worst. She’s crass, embarrassing, shameless and guilt-trippy. Basically, the Jewiest, New Yorkiest stereotype imaginable, like if Woody Allen was your grandmother. Jacks makes fun of her throughout the movie, and he doesn’t even have to try hard. Here’s some sample dialogue:

“What’s that movie called with Jimmy Stewart where he meets the angel and he’s mad?”

“It’s A Wonderful Life.”

“No! The one where he falls in the pool at the end, and he finds out that his life really is wonderful!”

“It’s A Wonderful Life.”

“No!”

But you see what he did there? Mel Brooks had Carl Reiner. Jerry Lewis had Dean Martin. Jack Black had the other guy who wasn’t Jack Black. The Smothers had the brothers. Adam Sandler needs only Adam Sandler. In Jack & Jill, he is his own comedy partner. He may not do it well, but he technically does it; and you know who’s not their own comedy partner? Everyone.

And the guy is so bad at it. Jill is a character predicated solely on how conceivably hilarious it would be to see Adam Sandler wearing a wig and talking in a high voice that, after about an hour and a half, doesn’t even sound that different from his normal voice. The fact that he took the time to dress up, watch a take of himself doing that, and continued is a miracle unto itself.

But what if his portrayal of Jill was so over the top that he was actually trying to make fun of himself? How much is Jack & Jill an actual movie and how much of it is what everyone just assumes an Adam Sandler movie is?

Consider this: In the movie, Jack needs to get Al Pacino for a Dunkin Donuts commercial, but Pacino won’t budge without Jill, with whom he’s fallen in love. (Just go with it.) Events occur that aren’t even worth pointing out because they’re so insignificant, but suffice to say Jill is angry at Pacino and doesn’t want to see him anymore. Jack needs to produce Jill, so this is what he does: He puts on a wig, shoves some cantaloupes down his dress, and the transformation is complete. So yes, that’s right, Adam Sandler plays Jack, Jill, and Jack pretending to be Jill. Somebody get this man an EGOT.

This is a guy who already has to do half the movie in drag; the audience knows he has to do half the movie in drag—not those characters. Why would Adam Sandler subject himself to even more ridicule unless he was trying to fuck with us?

You want the truth about Adam Sandler? If he’s not some sort of genius—if he indeed sincerely thinks Jack & Jill is anything more than insulting—then my God, we live in a cold, hard, cynical world. So to Adam Sandler I say, dust off those cantaloupes; tuck back your banana, and your old man balls. Because I don’t think I can handle the truth.

I wrote a piece I’m really proud of, about comedy podcasts...

Fri, 02 Mar 2012 14:26:02 -0500

I wrote a piece I’m really proud of, about comedy podcasts and how there are soon going to be too many of them. Won’t you click the link with your mouse pointer of love?

[The A.V. Club]

I reviewed the new Garfunkel & Oates album for The Spit...

Wed, 29 Feb 2012 10:55:19 -0500

I reviewed the new Garfunkel & Oates album for The Spit Take, and thought it was just okay. WHAT? I KNOW!

[The Spit Take]

Kathryn Hahn and I spoke at length about Joe Lo Truglio’s...

Wed, 22 Feb 2012 17:30:39 -0500

Kathryn Hahn and I spoke at length about Joe Lo Truglio’s penis. FOR YOU.

[Vulture]

In case you missed it, I wrote a big ol’ article about...

Mon, 13 Feb 2012 10:59:12 -0500

In case you missed it, I wrote a big ol’ article about Jimmy Fallon and why I think he needs to shake up the late night talk show format, though he hardly has to. Won’t you insert the words into your brain face?

[The A.V. Club]

HERE’S THE THING: Dane Cook gets really defensive and horribly misguided about comedy criticism (among other pretty bad things)

Fri, 20 Jan 2012 12:54:00 -0500

Welcome to HERE’S THE THING, where I talk about comedy-related things in a very HERE’S THE THING-type way.

My friends and cohorts at The A.V. Club started a shitstorm on the Internet yesterday when they posted about Dane Cook’s horrible stand-up set that was, to borrow the words of Sean O’Neal, “…the egotistical ramblings of a narcissist who has lost all touch with humility and quite possibly humanity.” Cook apparently went off the deep end, delving into material so disturbing and misogynistic it drew the ire of every other comic in attendance, including TJ Miller—who chronicled the entire horrifying recount on Twitter.

Lamer still, Cook spoke to LaughSpin presumably via email, and the site posted his words without much commentary nor a single follow-up question (taking a page from the Michael Ausiello book of nonconfrontational starfuckery—or if you prefer, the Tom Haverford book of “betting on all the horses”). This includes invoking the name of recently deceased comedy favorite Patrice O’Neal, inviting Miller and The A.V. Club away for a spa weekend, and this statement of defensive defensiveness: “It’s impossible to be both an artist and a critic.”

What I think he is trying to say is that TJ Miller’s opinion about his comedy is meaningless, because TJ is a comedian. As he outlined to Marc Maron on his WTF episode, he really doesn’t care what his peers think. And you know what? That’s fine. He should have just said that.

But the notion that artists can’t be critics is horribly misguided. In order to be good at what they do, artists need to honestly and purely experience the world around them, tracking the way people create. Same goes for critics, who are able to discuss art in a way that excites and inspires because they’re familiar with the tortuous creative process, and fully understand how someone gets from point A to point B.

For fear that this gets too vague and weird, let’s just talk about comedy. Artists and critics are the rare people who watch comedy and don’t simply evaluate it in binary; they’re able to think beyond, “Was it funny or not?” And that’s worth celebrating.

Can you imagine a critic who has no idea what it takes to be a comic? That person would be so removed from the artistic process that there’s now way they could appreciate the joy of a perfectly constructed joke or a life-changing stand-up set—nor could they articulate that in an inclusive way. (I mean, I’d like to think even Roger Ebert learned a thing or two about film by making his own.)

Can you imagine a comic who hadn’t thought deeply about what makes something funny, deconstructed the way other people make things funny, and wasn’t a harsh and relentless critic of their own work? They’d be really shitty and boring, and probably have a self-proclaimed nickname like “The Sassinator.”

I’m a comedy critic, but I also run and host my own comedy show, produce a major comedy festival, act with an arts education group and craft comedic pieces to perform at storytelling shows, reading series and stand-up-type shindigs. Am I bias, then, when I write about comedy? Of course I am. It’s human nature. But I see it not as a limiting factor, but one that opens my opinion up to the world. I always try to come at a piece of comedy with as open a mind as possible—with as nuanced an understanding of what that artist had to go through to get it made just the way they wanted. I also like to think I’m way more forgiving when something doesn’t live up to expectations, because I know what it feels like to bomb and take it personally.

Actually, I take everything personally, which means I also know what it feels like when a peer doesn’t like something I’ve done. It sucks, Dane. I know it; you know it. But you can’t have it both ways—you can’t purport not to care about your critics while simultaneously discrediting them. Maybe it’s not that it’s impossible to be both an artist and a critic, Dane. Maybe you’re oblivious to the fact that we all are.

Remember the time I spoke to Jon Glaser from Delocated? I was...

Tue, 17 Jan 2012 13:01:35 -0500

Remember the time I spoke to Jon Glaser from Delocated? I was “Tappin’ On Empty.”

[The A.V. Club]

I was psyched to talk to Jean-Ralphio from Parks & Rec (aka...

Mon, 16 Jan 2012 16:18:22 -0500

I was psyched to talk to Jean-Ralphio from Parks & Rec (aka Ben Schwartz), and not just because he name-checked Star Fox in our interview.

[The A.V. Club]

Whoa there! I spoke to Jorge Garcia (Hurley from Lost) about why...

Mon, 16 Jan 2012 15:08:53 -0500

Whoa there! I spoke to Jorge Garcia (Hurley from Lost) about why he doesn’t like most comedies on TV and how apprehensive he gets about sharing personal information about himself. But it was effortless, mostly because he’s an effortlessly likable guy.

[Vulture]

World! I now write about Up All Night for Vulture. “As a...

Fri, 13 Jan 2012 10:10:27 -0500

World! I now write about Up All Night for Vulture. “As a single, childless guy in his late-twenties, I feel uniquely qualified to tackle a sitcom that deals in the issues of marriage, parenthood and general maturity as an adult who washes his coffee mug more than once every few days.”

[Vulture]